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It was his own fault.  That’s what you need to know firstest.  I was doing my job.  I was up on his lap giving him good cuddleses.  I had my head right on his chest where it belongses.  I wasn’t even looking at the other peoples on the glass thingy.  I just was giving lovesers.  Then he getteded me!  He lassoed me with his shirtser thing.  He getteded both of my front pawsers in it.  He shouldn’t have done that.  What did he THINK I would do?  Just let him tie me up?  Nobody ties up Speedy Shine.  Never ever again!

I had to watch the video to see what caused it.  I really didn’t know.  Fortunately, David uploaded it almost immediately after class tonight, and before I started writing, I fast forwarded to roughly 50 minutes in, and I saw Speedy Shine jump up in my lap and start cuddling me.  I leaned over to put a cigarette out in the ash tray, and he nearly fell off of me and got his paws caught in my shirt.  You can’t hear it on the video because I had myself muted, but he began to growl immediately, and in a very menacing way. 

I could tell he was scareded when I starteded to make growlsers.  That’s okay.  He SHOULD be scared.  I have been hurteded too many times by too many peopleses, and it’s not happening again.  I don’t care HOW much he loves me, he doesn’t get to hurt me.  The Man With The Biggerer House hitted me.  That hurteded.  I don’t have to put up with that.  If someone hurtses me, I’m going to hurt them back.  I have that right, and I have the teethsers to back it up.  He almost knockeded me off his lap, which is my place to sit and he knowses it.  Then I got all stuck.  He trieded to get his pawsers on mine, and I showed him he can’t do that.  I was going to bite on his.  He gave me kisseses and he talked all quiet to me, but I wasn’t buying it.  I know when he is tricking me.  He trickeded me this afternoon telling me we were going to go outside, but then he lockeded me in the other room while he went and got some stuffsers from the front outsidesers.  I am a smarterer Best Good Boy than he thinkses I am. 

I was scared.  I was afraid I was going to get bitten.  I was afraid he was feeling threatened.  I wanted to make him calm.  I gave him kisses and whispered to him.  He slowed his growling, and then I tried to help lift him out.  And that’s when it happened.

And that’s when it happeneded.  He trieded to hurt me, and I bit him on the face while I jumped down. 

My heart was hurt more than my face was.  I know he could have done a lot more damage than he did if he had really wanted to.  And when he hit the floor, he didn’t run away.  He went straight to the sit position, and he looked up at me.  And I could read the sorrow in his eyes.

I was so sorry!  The minute I getteded to the floorser I knoweded he didn’t mean to hurt me.  It just feeleded that way when I was up there.  My heart had starteded to beat so fast, and I remembereded everyone who had ever hurteded me before, and my whole body knoweded it was going to happen again, so I had to defend myself.  But when he lookeded down at me, I knew he was having a sad.  I had one, too. 

The term “puppy dog eyes” was invented to describe Speedy Shine’s demeanor.  I was angry at first.  Anger is always a reaction to fear.  I was afraid of him for a moment.  But when he turned his puppy dog eyes to me, I knew I had no reason to be.  The feeling didn’t, however, just vanish.  That’s not how feelings work.  They exist, just like Diabetes does.  You can’t decide you don’t want them anymore and have them evaporate into the ether.  I needed to calm down.  I needed to recognize what really happened.  I needed to understand that I was, unintentionally, as responsible for what happened as he was.  I should have been more careful leaning forward.  I should have realized what could happen.  I was careless, and I paid the price.

I don’t get to get up on his lapsers any more times.  I sit in my chair now while he does his worksers.  I miss him when that happenses.  I know he loves me.  I think he knows I love him.  We just had an accident and both of us feel bad about it.  I made it up to him the best way I could.

He followed me around as usual for the rest of the evening, but he kept a little more distance than he had before.  When we went to bed, he laid his head on my chest, and he gave me way more kisses than I’ve ever gotten from him before.  I gave him more too.  We cuddled extra tight that night.  We had to heal.  We still have to heal.  He doesn’t get to be on my lap anymore, for his protection as much as for mine. 

I always say about how hoomans have so much to learn about love.  I think I have to learn, too.  I will do better.  I will probably make mistakes some more times.  He will too.  But as long as we love each other, we will find our way through.  He telleded me something tonight.  He gave me lots of pets and some kisseses on my head and he whispereded that we will be together as long as he lives.  I don’t think he’s going to make me go back to the place with all the other dogsers ever again.  If that is a true part, then I know how much he loves me.  I just never knoweded that he loves me more than I thought I loveded him.  I have to do better.  I will.

Victims of abuse aren’t always human. We know Speedy Shine came from a background of abuse that, even now, rears its ugly head sometimes. He needs to know he’s still loved even though he was triggered and bit me.

There is nothing in the world that will get me to take him back to the shelter where he had been 3 times already before he came to me. We have to learn to love each other as we are, and we have to set boundaries for each other.

Empathy has to extend to anyone (human or not) you love. We’ll get there.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Here is the video of the event: