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Speedy Shine by Jenn Agnew

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There are some other doggos in my neighborhood.  I have to make the barksers at them when they walk by because this is my yard, and I have to defend it from anyone who thinks they can have any of it.  I already peed to let them know, but they still walk by with their hoomans.  The Smelly Old Man doesn’t like the barksers.  He picks me up and takes me in the house if I make too many.  He doesn’t understand how important they are.  What if another dog tried to invade?  Most of the dogs are lots and lots bigger than I am, but that doesn’t matter.  They can’t have my yard.  It’s where I make my poopers.  It’s where I play with all my toysers.  It’s where I sit in the Smelly Old Man’s lap, and I give him cuddles under his robe so I keep him warm.  It’s my home.  I don’t know if hoomans understand about home.

The Smelly Old Man had some waters in his eyes yesterday when he was looking at some hoomans sitting on concrete floors and holding on to each other.  The hoomans looked scared and sad, but there were littler hoomans that were playing with their puppies.  The puppies seemed like they were helping.  There were pretty yellow flowers.  I would give them lots of cuddles and loves if I were wherever they are.  I could give them kisseses, and then they would feel better, I think.  Smelly Old Man always feels better when I do those things for him.

Some of the hoomans have bigger dogs, too, but they’re made of metal I think, and they are scarier.  The big metal dogs run things over, and they make lots of noisers, and then bad things happen.  They ruin more things than I do when I’m chewing up the Smelly Old Man’s furniture.  The Smelly Old Man needs to yell at them, like he does at me, to make them stop wrecking everything.  Sometimes when he yells at me, I stop for a little while.  But then he goes back to the big desk, and I get some more of the stuffings out of the couch.  I kind of forget, I guess.  Maybe that’s what hoomans do, too.  They probably know how to be Good Boy, too, and then they forget.  Maybe they need to stop ruining other people’s homes.  Smelly Old Man doesn’t like it when I chew up his couch.  Probably other hoomans don’t like it when the big metal dogs ruin their whole houses.  That’s probably why they had waters in their eyes. 

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Smelly Old Man was happy yesterday.  He keepeded saying something about being on 10.  Then he played this song over and over.  He said people listeneded to this show ten thousand times.  He was very proud, so I gave him some kisseses to tell him I was proud of him.  And then the waters came out of his eyes again.  Hoomans are weird.  Smelly Old Man gets waters in his eyes when he is happy and when he is sad.  I wonder if my hooman is broken.  I should see if it came with a warranty. 

I think his name is Fred.  He calls himself my Fred, and I heard someone else call him Fred the other day when two hoomans brought some big wooden things where he puts his books.  Fred’s not a very good name.  I will stick with Smelly Old Man. 

He’s slow.  When we come in the house, from the time he opens the glass door until he gets in the living room, I can get through the library and do 6 laps around the couch.  I still get Zoomies a lot, but I don’t think he likes when I pull all the stuffings out of the couch.  I just need him to chase me is all, but I don’t know if he can.  It takes him about 11 hours to stand up.  Poor Smelly Old Man.

I think he loves me, though.  He gives me lots of pets, and he lets me jump on his lap when he sits in the backyard.  I try to give him kisseses on his face, but he makes noisers like it hurts him, so I have to try not to do that so much.  Maybe he just doesn’t like my feetsers on his chest.  I make my poopers and pee pees in the backyard now, and then sometimes I eat the poops.  Smelly Old Man keeps trying to get them away from me, but if I’m not supposed to eat them, he shouldn’t leave them on the ground. 


This dogporter believes more of us doggos need to help more of those poor hoomans who don’t know how to love right.  Love is about cuddles and kisseses and pets.  It’s about treatsers and foods and sharing dinnerses.  It’s about being by each other no matter what.  I have to remind Smelly Old Man about that part sometimes because he leaves me in the backyard by myself when other hoomans come over.  Those hoomans need loves, too, so he needs to let me in so I can jump on them and give them lots of kisseses, so they learn how to love, too.  That’s happened three times since we’ve been together.  I hope he learns to do better.  I’m trying to teach him.  He’s slow and kind of stupid, though.  I still love him.  That’s what I do.  I eat, I pee, I poop, I chew up furniture, I play with my toysers, and I love peoples.  Is there anything else I’m supposed to be doing?  Is there anything else hoomans should be doing?

I love all of you other doggos out there….  And the hoomans, too.

And, that’s the way it is.  Good night and good treatsers.


Speedy Shine